


If You Don't Shut Up, I'm Going to Beat Your Ass (Non-Sexually)

by Iluvunicorns327



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Abuse, Albino Dave Strider, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society (Homestuck), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BE carefull, Child Abuse, Dirk Strider and Dave's Bro Aren't the Same Person, F/F, F/M, Gay Dave Strider, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trolls on Earth, karkat is done with dave's shit, regarding abuse, so just fyi, there's a lot of shit in this that is potentially triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-15 07:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17524046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iluvunicorns327/pseuds/Iluvunicorns327
Summary: “Everyone, I have some wonderful news today.” Kanaya raises one of her brows and hm’s. You smile. “My brother, Dave, is going to be moving to Skaia and staying with my family. He’s going to be attending SBURB high school, and I’m hoping that he will receive a warm welcome from all of you.” You pause. You can see a huge smile form on John’s face. “Questions?”Karkat shouts, “Since when do you have a fucking brother?” at the same time that John yells, “Dave’s really moving here?!?!”You laugh. “Since twelve minutes after I was born. And yes.”





	1. In Which Rose Loves Her Brother and is Possibly Overprotective

===> Rose: Talk to your friends.

Your name is ROSE LALONDE, and you were just about to do that anyway, thank you very much. In exactly one week from today, your brother, DAVE STRIDER, will be moving to Skaia and, of course, in with you. You are exited not only to see your brother, but for the fact that he will no longer be living with your father. You’ve seen the bruises, band-aids, and faded scars on your brother that you know full well shouldn’t be there. The thought of it makes your blood boil. You want to make that man burn in hell.

But thinking back on the pain is not what today is about. Today is about celebration, Your brother is moving in with you. Into Skaia, and into SBURB High School. And into your friend group, hopefully. And so, obviously, you need to tell your friends.

You walk up the north wing staircase, into the corner of the hallway where your friends meet in the half hour between when buses arrive and classes start. You drop your bag and wish Kanaya a good morning with a little kiss, before you stand up again and make your way into the middle of the group. You cough to get your friends attention. Sollux glares at you, and Terezi turns and smiles in your direction, at least generally so. Vriska just blows air out of her nose. Everyone else stops talking and just looks up at you.

“Everyone, I have some wonderful news today.” Kanaya raises one of her brows and hm’s. You smile. “My brother, Dave, is going to be moving to Skaia and staying with my family. He’s going to be attending SBURB, and I’m hoping that he will receive a warm welcome from all of you.” You pause. You can see a huge smile form on John’s face. “Questions?”

Karkat shouts, “Since when do you have a fucking brother?” at the same time that John yells, “Dave’s really moving here?!?!”

You laugh. “Since twelve minutes after I was born. And yes.”

* * *

 

tentacleTherapist at 4:13 PM opened memo The Beginner’s Guide to David Strider 

TT: Ok everybody. My brother is going to be moving here in one week, and I want to make sure that he has a warm welcome.

TT: All of you need to be on your best behavior.

GA: I Will Be On My Best Behavior And You Should Expect No Less Of Me

TT: I know you will be, dear. I am worried about the rest of our friends.

TA: and what the fuck ii2 that 2uppo2ed to mean

TT: You know full well.

CA: wwhy the fuck am i supposed to givve a shit about your brother

AG: ^^^^^^^^

EB: Becuase he’s super cool! He’s my best bro!

AG: that hurts my opinion of him if anything

EB: Shut up! >:B

AG: Lmfaoooooooo

tentacleTherapist has banned arachnidsGrip from responding to the memo.

TT: Much improved.

TT: I don’t know why I added her, honestly.

GC: SH3’S N0T TH4T B4D, 1 SW34R

CG: YOUR ONLY SAYING THAT BECAUSE SHE’S YOUR MOIRAIL.

GC: 4ND SH3’S MY M01R41L F0R 4 R34S0N

TA: 2ound2 fake but ok

TG: LOL sollux i love you dudw

TG: *dude lol

TG: but!!!! My bestest little bro is moving to skaia and im so fucking excited

TG: lik i know im older than you guys but your going to love him i stg

TG: hes the best

TG: oops *like

TT: Thank you for the input, Roxy.

TT: I agree wholeheartedly. Our brother is the best.

GC: H3LL Y34H H3 1S! 1 FUCK1NG LOV3 TH4T COOL K1D

CG: YOU’VE MET HIM?

GC: Y34H H3’S MY ONL1N3 BRO

GA: I Have Also Talked With Him Before, Albeit Briefly

AT: i HAVE, uHHH, aLSO TALKED WITH HIM A FEW TIMES

AT: hE DOESN’T THINK I’M VERY GOOD AT SLAM POETRY

AT: oR, uHHH, rAP, wHATEVER HUMANS CALL IT

TC: iVe AlSo HaD sOmE aBsOlUtElY mIrAcUlOuS sLaM pOeTrY jAmS wItH hIm

CG: AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE HAS NEVER TALKED TO HIM

GG: Seems like it! :P

GG: He’s like, me John and Rose’s best friend! I though we introduced him to most of you!

CG: WELL YOU CLEARLY DID NOT

CC: If it makes you feel better, KarCrab, I’ve never talked to ) (im either!

CG: THAT HELPS A BIT

CA: neither havve I

CG: NEVERMIND NOW I FEEL WORSE

TT: This is beside the point! Many of you know him online, but none of you, besides me, John, Jade, and Roxy have ever met with him in person.

TT: He’s my brother, and I want to make sure that he has the warmest of welcomes into Skaia.

TT: I’m not going to go into details, because it’s a breach of his privacy, but he’s not had the best home life.

TT: I want to make sure that nothing goes wrong when he starts at SBURB.

GG: : /

EB: I thought he lived with his cool brother? He seemed to really like him!

EB: Why is he moving here, anyway?

tentacleTherapist has banned ectoBiologist from responding from the memo.

GG: Rose! Don’t ban him!

TT: I don’t have the time or patience to explain the situation to him right now, Jade.

TT: Maybe in a bit.

TT: The point is, Dave is moving here, and we are going to make him comfortable.

TT: So.

TT: All of you, (Yes, including those who are banned from this chat currently) are invited to come when me and Roxy come to pick him up from the plane. 

TT: My older half brother, on my father’s side, will also be there.

CG: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT US TO BE THERE

GA: Yes This Seems Like An Important Moment For Your Family

GA: Trolls Relationships With Their Broodmates Tend to Be Fragile at Best

GA: But From What I Gather

GA: They Seem Pretty Important To Humans

GC: LOL 1 W4NT TO GO, FUCK HUM4N F4M1L13S

TT: I appreciate the sentiment from you all, Terezi excluded, but I think Dave would actually prefer if there were others with us.

TT: He is not very comfortable with facing the fact that others care about him. I think strangers, or near strangers, joining us will help him adapt.

CA: wwell ivve got nothin better to do

TA: iill be there. what tiime ii2 iit

CG: I’LL SHOW.

TT: Ten of you can meet at my house, the rest have to get to the airport on your own. His plane is scheduled to arrive at 6:00, so we should all be at the airport at around 5:30 on thursday.

CC: I’m so E--X--C---I-T--E-D to meet ) (im!

TG: be there or be square!

GG: :P


	2. In which Karkat is pale for Kanaya, Rose gets pissed at Dirk, and Dave shows up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Karkat is pale for Kanaya, Rose gets pissed at Dirk, and Dave shows up.

**=== > Karkat: Kill your broodmate**

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and yeah, you’re pretty fucking close to doing that at this point. Kankri is everything you hate about other people mixed with everything you hate about yourself, and he currently has a firm, unmoving grip on the money that Signless gave you to buy lunch, not letting you have it until he finishes his lecture.

“And it is incredibly important, Karkat, that you keep an open mind about this new kids trigger-”

“Shut the fuck up, I swear to god.”

“-s. I read over your text conversation, and I think that-”

“Hold up, You what? How the fuck did you read my phone’s-”

“Language. Don’t interrupt me. Your friend mentioned that he did not have the best childhood, and I think that it’s important that you stay alert-”

“I  _ will _ interrupt you, you piece of shit, but can we circle back on how you  _ read through my messages-” _

“-about his triggers. Being aware and, as one would say, ‘woke’ about what warnings he would need-” You seize a moment where you can see the grip on your lunch money falter, and quickly free it from his grasp, pulling the twenty dollar bill out of his claws. You pull open the handle on his shitty fucking used Prius and get out of it in the blink of an eye, before faltering and turning back to him.

“We’re talking about the reading through my phone shit later. I’ll bring it up to Signless.” You warn. He smiled, full of fake sincerity.

“I do it to keep you safe. I need to know what your potential triggers cou-” You groan and slam the car door, cutting him off.

You grumble while you walked over to the door of Rose’s huge ass house. You forgot about how her mom was fucking loaded. Jesus christ, this thing is a fucking mansion. It’s almost as big as Ampora’s or Piexes’ giant houses. You vaguely remember Rose’s mom being some kind of famous biologist. Figured out a vaccine for some Troll disease or something. You don’t really care that much. The doorbell rings, playing a clock chime that you’re sure you’ve heard somewhere before. Roxy, Rose’s older sister, opens the door.

“Oh, Hey KK! You’re only...” she glances at her watch. “Fifteen minutes late! Kankri let you off easy this time, huh.” She giggled, her curly blonde hair bouncing around while she did. Roxy was two years older than Rose, in the same year as your broodmate. Roxy and Rose looked eerily similar, especially for only being half-sisters. They had the same dark skin and sharp features, pointy noses and chiseled jawlines. Both of them had light hair - Rose said they bleached it. Apparently, along with having naturally different hair colors, humans could manually change their hair color by “bleaching” and “dying” it. It seemed weird as fuck to you. 

“C’mon in, Rosie’s flipping the fuck out, and Dirk not being here yet isn’t helping, lol.” She motioned for you to come inside. You walked in, following Roxy to the living room. Rose’s house had weird decor - the first thing you see is a giant wizard statue blocking most of the hallway. You saw sticky notes and handcrafted velvet pillows carefully holding up letters haphazardly taped to the wall. Roxy rolled her eyes when she noticed what most most likely a new passive-aggressive gift. 

You followed Roxy until you got to the living room. Most of your friends were sprinkled about - Sollux and Eridan were having some petty argument, Equius and Nepeta were snuggling, and Aradia was standing in the corner. Alone. Smiling. She stared at you. You look somewhere else. You scan over a few more people- Gamzee and tavros having some kind of conversation, John and jade practically buzzing with excitement until your eyes land on Feferi, Rose and Kanaya. The three of them are sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, talking idly by. Rose is picking at the ornate rug beneath her. You know, reasonably, you should probably sit by Gamzee. He’s one of your closet friends, but you have a massive throbbing (ew, why would you use that word to describe anything? You’re disgusting, you tell yourself.) pale crush on Kanaya. You make your way over to the the two trolls helping out the clearly stressed out human.

Said stressed out human looks up and makes eye contact with you. “You’re late.” She says. There’s a bite to her voice, but no ferocity behind it.

“Kankri.” You explain as you sit down on the floor next to Kanaya. She puts her hand on yours. “How are you feeling though?” You ask, avoiding the fact that  _ you’re definitely blushing, fuck, why did you sit next to your pale crush? Why is she holding your hand why is she hol- _

Rose spits out “I’m feeling extremely aggravated with my half brother, who is,” She looked at the clock on the wall behind her, “Twenty minutes late at this point. You know. Showing up late to pick up his own brother. That’s fine.”

“Maybe some-fin happened and he can’t shore up today?” Feferi suggests.

“I doubt it. He’s simply being a coward.” You see her hands ball up into fists. “He has the idiotic notion that Dave’s going to hate him.”

“Why would he hate fin?” Feferi asked. “Didn’t they grow up together?” You were wondering it as well.

“They did. Dave just lost contact with Dirk after he got kicked out of their house.”

Kanaya’s looks up at rose in shock. He hand tightens on yours a bit. “He was  _ kicked out  _ of his own home? Why would someone’s ancestor do that?”

Rose looked down. She paused for a moment, continuing to pull at the hairs of the rug. “Dave told me not to go into detail with all of you about why he’s moving here. I think... I think he would get pretty pissed if I told you.”

“Well, that’s more my story then Dave’s, really.” A voice adds from across the room. You look up to see the source of it.

The guy is leaning on the doorway, his face expressionless. The huge triangular shades on his face don’t help. His hair is gelled back into a point, and he’s wearing a tank top with a hat on the front. His skin is lighter than Rose’s - you understand he’s a human who’s “white”. (You don’t know why it’s called that. He’s not white. He’s tan-ish pink, if anything. Humans are fucking wild.)

Rose looks up, somewhat aggravated. The room has gone silent- Eridan and Sollux’s petty argument temporarily paused, everyone looking up at the new person. Roxy bursts out from behind him and yells,

“DIRKIE’S HERE!” Giggling up a storm. She gives him a huge hug. He stiffens for a moment, but quickly laughs as well. The tension in the room melts away.

Well, mostly.

“Why are you so late?” Rose grinds her teeth at him. His grin fades a bit.

“I uh...” He falters. “I don’t know.”

Rose sighs. She stands up and walks over to him, looking at him face to face. Or at least as close as she can, as he’s over six foot.

“I’m so fucking annoyed with you. This day has to go perfectly.” She says.

“I’m sorry. I know.” He sighs. “I’m trying best, I’m just worri-”

Before he could finish what he was saying, Rose had already pulled him into a hug.

“I love you, you idiotic disaster.” she mumbles into his tank top. She pulls herself off of him and wipes away some tears you didn’t even realise were in here eyes. She brushes non-existent dust off of her skirt and turns around to the rest of you, a smile forming on her face.

“So. Let’s figure out how we’re going to set up this carpool.”

Kanaya smiles at her Matesprit. 

You realise her hand is still on yours.

* * *

  
  


Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and despite the fact that you just had an enlightening moment of hand-holding with your pale crush, you’re really regretting coming to this gathering at the moment. After a half-hour drive (during which you somehow got stuck in a van with Equius, Nepeta, Eridan, Sollux and Roxy) you finally got to the airport, only to have to wait another half hour since the plane is late. It’s now been forty-five minutes of sixteen teenagers with two adults (One of whom is probably drunk, knowing Rose’s mom) all feeling varying levels of suicidal waiting in an airport lobby, and you’re definitely feeling pretty high up on the wanting-to-kill-yourself scale. You groan and turn back around to Gamzee.

“Can’t you use one of your fucking miracles to get the plane here faster? My tempers getting really short.”

You here Sollux snicker “Almost as short as you are!” You chose to ignore him. Fucking assholes. Gamzee shrugs.

“That’s not how my motherfuckin’ miracles work, my brother. Just gotta wait. It’ll work out.” He says. Well, that’s not exactly accurate. There were about 3 more honks in that sentence then are written.

You groan even louder. “Rose, when’s your fucking brother going to show up anyway?” You yell out at her. Terezi laughs at the human mother who shushes you.

“I don’t know, Karkat. Eventually.”

By the laws of shitty irony and probably some of Gamzee’s miracles, You here the loudspeaker turn on.

“Flight 450-099 from Houston has arrived at the airport.” You see Dirk, who you have since learned is Rose’s (and Dave’s) half brother, perk up.

“That’s his flight, right?” He turns and asks Roxy. She has a huge smile on her face, and energetically nods at him.

“Shit.”

A stream of people begin to flow into the lobby. You see a mix of people - a Rust blood running and hugging a blue blood, tears at her eyes. A human and his child find another man, you assume the other father, and laugh and hug. A few other humans and trolls pair up, or just grab their luggage and walk away. Your eyes, however, eventually land on a lone human.

He’s wearing sunglasses - huge aviators, polarized to the point where his eyes are completely invisible. You understand that some humans are what they call “white”, but he’s the lightest one you’ve ever seen. He’s still not pure white, of course, but he’s more of a paler pink brown then you’ve seen on any other person. His hair is blonde - but it’s, again, incredibly light. It’s not like Rose’s or Roxy’s- their hair is the same light shade, but you can see the dark brown at their roots. It’s not like Dirk’s either - his has more color to it, being more of a very light brown than a white. His looks like it’s bleached naturally. He’s wearing a long sleeve T shirt- casually holding a cracked phone and scrolling through it, occasionally looking up and around. A backpack is slung on one shoulder.

John jumps up when he sees him.

“Dave!” He shouts, grabbing the boys attention for a split second before he’s pulled into a huge patented Egbert hug. The boy- Dave - stiffens up, just like Dirk did when Roxy hugged him. He’s doesn’t break into laughter, though. He just looks uncomfortable. John lets him go after a second. Jade runs up after him.

“It’s so cool that you’re here! Oh my god, this is going to be So! Awesome!” She yells. Dave opens his mouth to say something, but is cut off as Roxy pulls him into yet another hug. He laughs awkwardly.

“Jesus, Rox.” He breathes out.

“I just love my little brother a lot! Aughhhh I haven’t seen you in forever!” She’s swaying him back and forth, in a tight grip. He breaks out, but is free for only a moment before Rose is in front of him, pulling him into his third hug in a minute. She keeps him against her for a moment before quickly pulling back.

“I’m sorry, I know your not a big fan of physical contact. I just... I’m very happy you’re here.” She says. Dave grins.

“Can’t blame you, honestly. I’d hate if I had to live life without me too. Going through everyday like “Damn. I wish my smoking hot twin brother was here.” Like going through life having to say that but with a bunch of big words and some shitty ass metaphors.”

“We’re going to unpack the fact that you think I think you’re quote “smoking hot” later.”

“Oh fuck. Can I go back to Houston? I didn’t sign up for the psycoanalisyphalis happy hour.”

“Psycoanalisis.”

“That’s what I said.”

Rose sighed, but she was smiling. Dave opened his mouth to retort with some comeback, but paused as he looked over his twin’s shoulder. You follow his gaze to see what’s stopped him.

It’s Dirk.

Dirk is uncannily still, arms at 90 degree angles and hands tucked firmly into his back pocket. He is (Or at least you assume he is, fuck those shades) making firm eye contact with Dave.

“Dirk?” Dave asked, just loud enough that Dirk will be able to hear him from across the room. Dave starts to hastily make his way over there. When he is finally standing in front of him, the two brothers simply look at each other. Dave’s fists starts to clench. You don’t like the look of this. You know that Dirk was kicked out of the house for some reason, and Dave seems fucking pissed. You, being a troll with half a fucking think pan, immediately jump to the most sensible conclusion - Dirk fucked some shit up.

Your half a think pan, however, is apparently wrong as fuck. Dave just pulls his Half-brother into a hug. Dirk looks surprised momentarily, before quickly accepting and returning the favor. You see Dave pull himself up slightly forward unto his toes, and whisper something in Dirk’s ear. The hug releases.

“Fuck. So that’s why you stopped messaging me...” Dirk trails off.

“I’m sorry man. I shouldn’t have just believed Bro like that, you know? I’m a fucking idiot.” 

Dirk cringes. “No you’re not.”

“What the fuck are you two talking about?” The words escape your mouth before you even realise you said them. What can you say? You’re a nosey fuck. You wanna know what people are talking about.

Dirk turns too you. You can’t see his eyes, but he’s annoyed at you. “None of your fucking business.”

You suppress the urge to roll your eyes. Yeah, that one’s on you. You kind of interrupted a wholesome family moment there. Bt, to be fair, being an asshole is kind of your brand.

“Not to agree with Karkat, but Rose won’t tell us jack or shit, and I kinda wanna know why we got another Lalonde showing up out of fucking nowhere.” Vriska says.

“Strider.” Dave says.

“What?” You ask.

“My last name is Strider, not Lalonde.”

“Ok, kids. Let Dave be.” Mr.Egbert, John’s dad, finally buts in.

“Nah. I’ll tell ‘em the truth. The real reason I’m moving to Skaia is...”

He pauses for suspense and hold up his fucking fingers as if to silence the room. You raise your eyebrow.

“My beats are just too fucking sick.” Dirk face palms. Dave’s grin is a mile wide. “My beats are mad whack dude. You wouldn’t fucking get it, you don’t have the mind and musical genius to understand these sick ass beats. But their straight up fire. I’m moving out here because I burned down my fucking apartment building, my beats were just that fucking hot. It’s criminal. I’m going to be arrested, my raps are so god. Damn. Sick.”

“Dave, please stop talking.” Rose begs.

You fucking hate this guy already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyy! It's ya girl, back at it again with chapter 2! This one is a bit longer. I'm having a lot of fun writing this story, tbh. Writing Dialogue for Dave in particular is so. much. fun. his entire personality is peak chaotic good, and I love it. (Haha, david... I too use comedy as a coping mechanism.) However, not gonna lie, there are some characters who I am just garbage at writing. I wanted Jade and John to play more of a part in this but... I just can't write Jade. I tried. I tried real hard. I just don't know how to write her in a way that works well! I'm new to writing in general, so I'm far... far... from perfect, but I'm trying. for some reason, however, Jade just doesn't click with me. Something about it doesn't work. Whatever. I'll figure it out! The point is, a new chapter is out, and I can finally get down to that good good Romance. I fucking love Pale Kanaya x Karkat, so that's a thing that's happening. Don't worry though, this is still Davekat first and foremost. I'll see you guys... whenever I decide to update this thing.  
> Also! For a brief explanation: Trolls live on earth. There is still a mother Grub. However, trolls have families. A single troll, couple, or polyamourous relationship of trolls apply to be able to adopt grubs and raise them, since there are no lusii on earth. As for why trolls live on earth? Um... reasons. Things. Yeah.
> 
> Please comment! I love comments with all my heart and they make me motivated to write! I also would love criticism!


	3. Chapter 3

===> Dave: Hide your sword.

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and what sword? You don’t have a sword. Who told the reader you have a sword? You move your shitty katana a little further into your bag. You’re currently sitting awkwardly in the office of Southern Bethlehem-Uniondale-Rainortown-Barklang School District Highschool. Or, the much better and not long as fuck name, SBURB High. An old human woman with gray hair glares at you behind her bifocals. You wave at her. She raises her eyebrows.

“And why are you in the office, young man?”

Oh. Conversation. You candle this shit, no problem.

“I’m a new student? I’ve got a schedule my twin printed out for me, but she told me that some kid was gonna come up here to lead me around the school shit?”

She glares at you. Fuck, language. You remember from movies that you’re not supposed to curse at schools. That’s so fucking weird to you. Bro didn’t give a shit if you cursed or not. It’s so naturally weaved into your irony, as tightly bound to you as the tightest raps are bound to themselves. Fuck yeah, look at that. You put a god damn metaphor in your inner monologue. Take that, whoever your English teacher is. You’re gonna nail this whole school thing.

“Uh... sorry. Language. Got it.” Her face lightens up a bit. “But yeah. Apparently, they’ve been told that I’m here so, for now, I’m just waiting.”

Apparently situational irony was on your side, (you have no idea what situational irony is, rose used it in one of your pesterlogs once and you’ve picked up using literary terms wrong to piss her off) because of a kid bursts into the office directly after you say that.

“Apparently I have to lead LaLonde’s brother around the school all day, so I need a pass and also him. Wait, Fu-  Uh, Fudge... that sounds wrong. I need to pick up her brother. That’s better.” He rambles in a loud and scratchy voice, and yeah, you recognize this kid. He was one of Rose’s friends at the airport, the troll who was wasting his 69 symbol by wearing it painfully unironically. You don’t know if that was troll-racist or not. You don’t know if saying troll-racist is troll-racist or not. Fuck.

“Sup. You’re one of Rose’s friends right?” He rolled his eyes, leading you out of the office.

“Yes, fuckface. You’re her brother. Give me your schedule.” He grabbed your schedule out of your hand, eyes moving back and forth and he frantically looked it over.

“Ok. Fuck, you have three of your four classes with me. We have a block schedule here, you have four classes each semester and then switch Your old school probably had a period schedule-”

You cut him off. “My old school doesn’t exist, bro.”

“What?” His brows furrowed.

You laugh. “I was homeschooled. Kinda.” It wasn’t exactly homeschooling if you're being perfectly honest. Dirk taught you how to read and write, and all the basics of math and all that. After you met Rose, she started teaching you the more complicated shit. She made you read Hamlet with her and forced you into watching Kahn Academy. You were pissed, but whatever. Bro taught you all the important things. How far apart to hold your feet, how to use a sword, how to always be on your guard.

High school didn’t teach you that shit. Bro did.

“Fuck, you’ve never been to a real school?” Karkat’s voice took you out of your train of thought. You shrug.

“I’m sure I’ll get used to it, man.” He glares at you for a moment, but sighs,

“Whatever. Your first block is English. You have Mrs. Johnston, she’s a bitch. Terezi, and Tavros are in that class though, so they can help you out. Follow me, I’ll meet you outside of your class when its over to show you where your next class is.”

* * *

  
  


Karkat wasn’t lying when he said Mrs. Johnston was a bitch, First thing she did was give you a quiz on the summer reading, which no, you did not do, you didn’t even know you were leaving Houston until a week ago, and  with how hectic your life has been of course you didn’t have the time to read Fahrenheit 451, thank you very much. You called her a bitch and got detention, but Terezi laughed a bunch.

You like making her laugh.

 

You decide you have a crush on her. 

* * *

 

Right now You’re busy waiting for Karkat outside of the English room, leg up against the lockers behind you. Karkat walks up to you, his permanent scowls turning to you.

“What’s your next class?”

“Uh...” You grab your schedule out of where you shoved it into your backpack. It’s crinkled as fuck. “Advanced Phys Ed.” You say.

He somehow manages you scowl at you more than he normally does. “Fuck me, that’s an elective! You’re willingly taking Gym?”

You shrug. “Yeah? Staying fit is like, hella important man.”

“Fuck that. I’m just gonna die a useless blob of misery and pain.”

“Your loss, man.” That’s so fucking weird. He’s just gonna live his life like that? What is he going to do if someone attacks him? Just be unprepared? Wild.

“Anyway, the gym is off the second floor. You have to go outside to get to it, so when it gets to January you're gonna fucking die of frostbite. Congrats.”

You follow him through the bland hallways of the school. In some ways, it looks a lot like the ones in the movies. In others, it’s nothing like them. The bright yellow school buses are all covered in dust, dulling the colors. The walls have murals covering them. Little things that separate it from what you expected. It's fucking uncanny. The weirdest part is the people. You don't see any, I don’t know, fucking plastics or whatever. You expected popular girls in pink and jocks wearing varsity jackets. Instead, it’s just... people hanging out. It’s completely against everything you expected. Karkat eventually leads you outside and into the gym. You don't see anyone you’re friends with. The only guy you know in the class is Equius, and you only know his name because he was super sweaty when you shook hands with him while you met him.

You make your way into the locker room.

* * *

 

You’re gross and sweaty as fuck and sitting at the lunch table. Apparently, you have ‘A Lunch” which means you're gonna be eating right after Gym, so that’s fucking fantastic This morning Roxy pushed a lunch box into your hands and kissed you on the cheek (which was... weird) so you guess you’re actually eating lunch today. Rose, John, Terezi, Aradia, and Nepeta all have A lunch too, so you’re not alone. Gym with Equius was weird as fuck, but you love the class anyway. Just the week you spent with CPS when you weren't working out or sparring make you feel gross. You think you might actually like exercising. Liking exercise is cool. It’s not like, fucking gay or whatever. You’re cool.

“So how are you adjusting to school?” Rose asks you. 

You wave your hand. “So so. I don’t know. Mrs. Johnson’s a bitch.”

Rose rolls her eyes. “I had her last semester. She just really hates everyone who’s not in honors classes.”

You groan. “Can I switch to honors? She suuucks.”

Terezi faked a frown. “And leave me behind to perish? With only Tavros?”

“God, your right. No one deserves to live without my godly presence.” You say. Terezi cackles laughing. You smile.

“”Godly presence” my ass, Dave! You’re a huge nerd.” John laughs at you. Terezi laughs harder. Fuck, people are laughing at you now. Not cool. Shit. Divert attention.

“Whatever, Egdork.” You grumble out. Rose stifled a giggle with her hand.

“An ingenious comeback from the self-proclaimed king of insults and metaphors, David Strider.” Rose proclaims. You feel yourself blush. Terezi is laughing like crazy now, blushing teal.

“David isn’t even my name,” You say, keeping your cool. Your chill. Everythings chill. People are laughing at you, but they still think you’re cool. You’re super cool. You’re sure everyone thinks that too. This is fine.

“Jegus, Strider! You’re a riot!” Terezi adds, which makes you smile. A riot. You can work with that. Terezi has these dimples on her face when she laughs, which you think is cute. She’s your crush now, she has to be cute. Strider’s don’t get non-cute girls. 

“That’s one thing to call it.” You wink at her. Wait, fuck, shades. “I’m winking right now.” You add. She laughs again. John does too.

“I mean, you could just pull down your shades, but that works too.” John jokes.

“And ruin the Strider Aesthetic Tee Emm? I don’t think so, Egbert.” John is smiling.

“Suuure, Dave.”

* * *

 

Karkat meets gets out of class early so he can take you to your next block.

“Your next teacher is Mr. Xendto, he’s pretty cool. Most Troll teachers are better than the human ones.” Karkat says, eyeing your schedule.

“Is that like, racist or something? Human-ist? Humanphobia?  
Karkat shrugs. “I don’t know, probably. My broodmate would be going on some huge fucking rant about how you can't be speciesist against humans or some shit. Luckily for you, however,” He looks at you, “I don’t really give a shit.”

That actually does make you feel a little better. You didn’t know any trolls in Houston and Bro... Bro wasn’t big on trolls. You really don’t know the first thing about trolls. You know that they came to earth like, 150 years ago or some shit, they all have different blood colors, and that apparently they’re like, bug people. You hope you're not being, what was the word? Speciesist? About everything here.

“Here’s Mr. Xendto’s room.” He opens the door for you and takes a look into the class. “Rose and Terezi are in this class. Good fucking luck with those two, I swear they can read minds or some shit.”

“I know, man. Rose is my fucking sister.”

“Hey fuck face, I am perfectly aware that Rose is your shitty human broodmate. It’s just that when they’re alone together with one other person together they get information hungry as fuck. They’ll have one conversation with you and then extrapolate that you lied to your teacher once in second grade and it’s fucking terrifying.”

You smirk. “Luckily for me, I never was in second grade. We’re all scot-free from here, baby.” You leave him behind and go into the class. He raises his eyebrow.

 

* * *

  
  


You should have heeded Karkat’s warning. Without the buffer of John to your conversations, Rose’s weird as psychoanalysis kink and Terezi’s lawyerly bullshit combine into a weird-ass digging session which results in Rose deciding that you’re simultaneously gay and frued-ily attracted to Roxy, and Terezi somehow, (despite the fact that you have had three (3) IRL conversations with her) figuring out that you’re a repeated shoplifting offender.

Which like, you are, but that’s not the point.

The shoplifting thing. You’ve shoplifted. You cannot make it clear enough that you aren't attracted to your hot older sister. Your... fuck. 

You're also not gay.

Just clearing things up here.

But yeah. History was... a lot. Karkat was right about Mr. Xendto. He was a nice guy, and the warm-up activities didn’t suck, at least. When you had to go through and collect a signature for everything on a list of pointless random things people might have done, (I have been to the Bahamas! I have more than three pets! I killed a man in 2008!) most of the kids wanted to talk to you. Apparently, there aren’t new kids every day in Skaia.

“Hi! You’re the new kid, right?” One guy had asked you. He was a human, big and blonde. You knew you recognized him as you nodded. “I’m in your gym class. I’m Kurt.”

You suddenly remembered him. “Oh, yeah. I’m Dave.” He grins.

“You’re not half bad! The workout routine in advanced gym obviously isn’t for beginners. I was wondering if you were interested in joining the Football team?” Kurt had asked. He was pretty nice. Unfortunately, you have no interest in sports.

“Nah. I don’t really do sports, my man.” He sighed.

“Worth a shot at least. If the interest ever peaks you, just ask.” He smiled at you and started walking away, before suddenly turning back. “Wait, fuck, I almost forgot. Have you ever had more than two pets.”

“Ehhh?” You shrug. “Do you consider wild birds you let into your apartment pets?” He laughed.

“Why not.”

* * *

 

Your last class was about the same as the first three. Karkat led you to Algebra 2. The only people in that class were Sollux and Aradia, and you didn’t really know them that well, so it ended up just being awkward.

When you finally get home after the day, your exhausted. You don’t think you’ve been around that many people for so long your entire life.

Rose’s house feels so wrong. It’s big and open. Everything about it makes you feel uncomfortable. The huge open spaces mean that people could be anywhere. Behind the couches, lurking somewhere by the huge open windows. Anyone could jump you at any time. The fridge is full of food, not swords, and all the appliances work. Rose’s (your?) mom actually cooks food. Everything is wrong. You end up stealing two bottles of AJ and a pack of Oreos to keep in your closet. 

You don’t sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnnnng ok here's dave! Sorry this chapter took so long, I have a teacher who gives a real workload! Anyway, This chapter isn't much for the plot, but I just like writing these kids having fun and loving their best lives. Well mostly. Dave is still fucked up. o o ps. ANyway, this chapter is changing a lot from my outline, so I'm gonna have to re-write that, ouchie. Bu ti promise plot will happen soon!   
> A few little things- You might notice the tag 'gay dave strider'. you might also notice dave having a crush on terezi. I urge you too look at the wording - that's internalized homophobia, babes  
> anyway Dave has a block schedule becuase thats what I have, fuck you.  
> That sword will come back into play later, in the most unsuprising twist of the century. Also does dirk live with toxy and rose? I don't know I didn't write this dam- oh wait shit I did. The answer is, uh.... sure? why the hell not. But then why didn't the other kids know him? becuase... uh... ........  
> I have a problem with the adding a line thing. I just.... like lines. they're nice. you can bite me, cowards.   
> WHo am i kidding this chapter is a mess. I promise this story iwll improve! Maybe. probably not.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey y'all.  
I'm gonna say what I need to... I'm not happy with this story. I kind of hate it at this point. Now don't get me wrong, I like my idea for the plot - Dave moves in with Rose, deals with internalized homophobia, and falls in love with our favorite grumpy boy. However, I'm not happy with how I wrote this.  
I think my writing quality in this story is Okay at best, and Sub-par most of the time. I know that I can do better than I'm doing. I'm not following the structure for a story that I had outlined, and the entire thing feels forced and unnatural. I know that I can do better than this, and I want to do so. So, I'm going to re-start it, with serious changes this time. I understand that a lot of you enjoyed this story, so let me explain what I'm changing and why.  
1) It's gonna be humanstuck- I love the trolls on earth dynamic. It's something that I genuinely think is seriously underrated in HS fanfiction. However, it just doesn't work with this story. I originally outlined this story with the intent for it to be humanstuck, but I decided last minute to change it to Trolls on Earth. Because of that, there's a lot of shit that just doesn't make sense in my outline now. The main one is that there is a major plot point where Karkat punches Dave in the face because he uses some really-not-that-cool language about LGBT people. That just... doesn't make sense with him being a Troll. Because, you know, trolls... don't have sexuality like humans do.  
2)One POV - I'm changing the entire story to be from Dave's point of view. I don't have that big of a reason for this one I just... I don't know. It works better this way.  
3) Fewer characters at once - one of the biggest flaws in this story is how had I tried to push all of the characters at once. I felt as if I needed to have every character in the story. But that just won't work. It's too much in too little space. 

I hope all of you understand. Thank you. I'm going to try to update this story every two or three weeks, most likely under a different title. 

I love you!


	5. Chapter 5

hey y'all! If you aren't aware, the new version of the new version of this story is up! It's called:

Yeah I'm gay: G-super A-fucking Y-depressed

 

 

[You can read it here!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17745284/chapters/41868170)

 

Thank you all! this story is gonna be pretty diffrent, but I hope you still enjoy it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading the first chapter of this!! I'm super exited! I've never written a fanfiction before, and I'm super exited to be sharing this with y'all. Formatting the pesterlogs took f o r e v e r, but they look nice, so whatever. Anyway, this first chapter is really short, but there'll be longer one's in the future. I've already started on the second chapter, so it should be up before too long. Please comment and leave kudos, and I love you!


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